Developing Boundaries, Expectations and Disillusions

Welcome to the latest Episode of Mz O In The Mix. 

Come on and let me take you to B.E.D.!

On this episode we uncover the discovery of boundaries, expectations and disillusions. 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:53

What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another season of Ms. O in the Mix. Listen, it's been rough. Y'all know how we do. I speak phonics. Whatever comes out, comes out. We're gonna laugh, we're gonna talk, but we're gonna spit some facts real quick. Look, you know I've been away for a while. Um, y'all had plenty of plenty of episodes to listen to to do some homework and um get a better understanding of yourselves. Well, tonight we continue. So, topic for tonight is bed. That's right. I said it bed. We're gonna discover how you can take yourself to bed. And of course, you know, bed stands for something, it's not just you going to bed. So I ask that you um join me on this uncomfortable ride and understand that we're really late by care. It's just about giving you some motivation to move you forward in life at my expense. We laugh at my expense, but it is okay. Listen, if you're new here, welcome. We have a few housekeeping rules. Um, don't judge me, I don't judge you. And um, I don't care what you say about me, I'm gonna be great anyway. And I hope you all are living by that model for 2026 and beyond. Um, for my returning champions, I appreciate you stepping into this room with me um as we grow here. And um, as you understand that I am definitely not perfect, nor am I ever trying to be perfect. Um, I just believe that every day you're supposed to grow. And stagnancy is never a good thing. Um, you uh you become stagnant, you become like stale water, you become quite poisonous. Um, and you can start to poison the others around you in that way. But moving forward, guys, because you know I could go on and on about things that I've been thinking about in time and over these last few months since we last touched base. But I really want to jump into this topic of bed. I don't want to keep you too long, let's first go around. So uh let's get some homework. Some um, well, not even homework, let's get to some class rules here. Listen, if you are listening to me, I can first and um be a little um, let's see, over the top with my uh profanity. So I would like you to wear some headphones and to make sure you're away from any small children, especially if you don't want them picking up bad words and uh or hear anyone else hearing it that might take offense. But um, so put your earbuds on. If you're driving, keep one eye open, at least one hand or finger on the steering wheel. If you happen to laugh, please keep. Please keep, please keep. I can't even get it out without laughing. Yeah, if you are laughing, you're wrong. You might not want to listen to me while you're driving anymore, or keep one eye open. Um, definitely keep it on the road. Listen, I am not perfect. You are not perfect. If you choose to say that you are perfect, this is a judgment-free zone. So see your ass the way up out of here. Point blank, period. I don't have nothing else to say about that. If I get a little distracted, it's because my phone is ringing and I gotta kind of gotta hang up on people. Life's been hectic, guys. All right, let's get to it. So, bed. What are we discussing when we talk about bed? So, we're gonna break this down. B is for boundaries, and you know how we feel about boundaries, right? Boundaries. Many of us have them, plenty of us don't. There's so many of us that um think we have boundaries, but in actuality, uh, we forfeit those boundaries to our loved ones, to our um friends, to strangers, to bosses, when we let people cross those boundaries. It's not it's not easy to establish boundaries if you've never had them. I'll tell you that part first hand.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Yeah, so boundaries. Do you have any? If you do, are they realistic? That's my question to you.

SPEAKER_01 5:49

Because I never had boundaries. I never I want to say I've never established boundaries in my life until later on in my adult years, and living without boundaries has to be the most dangerous, irresponsible, negligent thing you can do to yourself.

SPEAKER_00 6:18

It has to be the most irresponsible, negligent thing you can do to yourself.

SPEAKER_01 6:24

When you don't establish certain boundaries and stick by your boundaries, oh man, listen. You're your first heartbreak ever. You are your first heartbreak ever. Before we get any deeper into this boundaries um breakdown, make sure you have a pen and a notepad. I tell y'all, I'm a little rusty, so I forget to tell you this stuff. Having a pen and a notepad, um, so you can take some notes because note takers are money makers. And if you never heard of that, what life are you living? Because you should have been taking notes your entire life. All right. Back to the boundaries. Listen, having boundaries, like I said, is extremely important. It shows you how you love, value, and respect yourself as an individual. How serious do you take yourself if you don't have boundaries? What are your standards? You know, what are your limits? I'm gonna read this definition, okay, that um I got off Google for boundaries. Boundaries are defined as the limits and rules individuals establish to protect their mental, emotional, physical, and financial well-being and relationships, acting as a dividing line between oneself and others. See how important, just in the definition, do you see how important having boundaries are? And not only having them, but maintaining them, keeping them as a um most important part of your personality, of who you are as a person. Having boundaries is something, you know, that helps to make you whole, that gives you some, I want to say somewhat of a sturdy foundation. Now, before I break it down and give you more, like give you homework and things to think about for boundaries, understand, I always give you a little story. And as I said, I never really had boundaries. I was always the person that tried to help, that really never said no, and that always tried to keep the peace, but yet people would call me mean. People will only call me mean when I would get to the point where I was exhausted from the people pleasing, the being kind, empathetic, all those things, and no one, no one was there to do that for me for a very long time. Or if they did, it was always short-lived. And it wasn't up to my standards because of how much I would give. I would, leading into the next segment of expectations, expect others to do the same for me. I put in 50, you put in 50. You know, it's always half and half. Um, but it wasn't. I was giving 115, they were giving 45 because they were reserving the rest of it for themselves. And so, although, you know, that turned me into an angry individual, there was nothing that I could do because I didn't establish certain boundaries within myself. I didn't draw the line to say, hey, you know, this, you know, this is where, this is where I'm going to get off this crazy train, or this is the boundary I'm setting forth and putting in place so I can protect my space, my time, my mental status, my finances, my, you know, emotional health, everything. It was about me. And I never stopped to look at me. The only time I ever would stop to look at me was when I got to the end. I could never cross the finish line because I had no more stamina left within myself because I had no boundaries. So it's important to establish that. And, you know, even till later in life, still I still try to work on that. I still try to hone in on the fact that some boundaries are missing, or hey, maybe these boundaries need to change. Maybe I need to take some, you know, some things back, meaning that maybe, you know, my limitation is I'm I'm not gonna entertain you this entire conversation to make you feel better. I'm tired. You're going to bed. You know, like, you know, not saying it in such a harsh way, but having that boundary of when I get to this certain point where I know I'm frustrated and counting from 10 down to zero isn't doesn't work for me anymore. That's my boundary. That's my cutoff and all disagreement. I don't like arguing. I can't stand. Listen, so here's a boundary. Here's a hardcore boundary for me. I am not gonna sit here or stand there and scream, yell, argue. None of that. If you wish to scream, yell, and argue, you're crossing a boundary with me. Like, you know, I'll I'll give you that first few minutes, be like, all right, we're taking this to an octave that I don't really care for. Um, you know, you can hear me when I say that and not listen. Understand, I am not gonna stand there and argue with you. I'm I'm not gonna do it. I don't argue in public, I don't argue at home. I just don't want to, I don't want to do that. I don't like the energy. It's it's too heavy for me. It's not about me running away, it's about what I will and will not tolerate from from me or for me. That is a hardcore boundary. I've never liked it as a kid arguing. I never liked it. Why? Because I want to hold back so much that I hold back so much that I'm gonna blackout. I will literally blackout, and anything that I do during a blackout phase, I have no control over. It's a person with PTSD, I have no control over. So I'd rather not, I rather not go through that. So that's a hardcore boundary. Maybe you don't have those, maybe you don't have any. But you need to think about what kind of boundaries you want to put in place for yourself because the boundaries aren't technically for the people, the boundaries are for you. Your boundaries are for you. You can't make boundaries for other people, you can only make boundaries for yourself. So, I, as well, I'm gonna give you the homework, whether you do it or not, is on you. That's how it goes here. You create micro boundaries first, small boundaries for yourself, and boundaries that you make sure you can stick by because if you create some unrealistic type of boundaries or anything, it's not going to work. Have a boundary that you're willing to stick in place, like cement, or another hard material that is difficult to move once it's put down in a fixed position, and if it's too heavy. Because if it's light cement, you know, you gotta like let me stop.

SPEAKER_00 14:52

But lacy mint, lace mint with a micro boundary, gradually increase it like you would a child's chore.

SPEAKER_01 15:05

You know, maybe your first chore was it wasn't washing dishes, but sweeping the floor. Maybe you know, it was wiping down the counters, then you move to washing the cups or washing the plates, doing new utensils, pots and pans, wiping down the stove, like things increase. Maybe you started walking the dog or changing the cat litter. I don't know. I don't really care, but you see how it increases because you could kind of get a visual of, oh yeah, I could be like six, seven, whatever, sweeping. I could, you know, I could be wiping down the counter, like, you know, nine to eleven, twelve. Um I'm starting to do dishes. You know, you can gradually increase your chores and responsibilities. That's what you want to do with the boundaries. You want to slowly increase it. Again, paint yourself. Too much too fast will cause you to walk away and abandon yourself. You abandon all the things that you feel about boundaries that your newfound emotions, because more than likely, you put something into place that was just too much. It was just too hard to handle. Let's move on, y'all. I'm not doing any plugs today for our interjections here. We just going straight through with the work. You need to, you know, use the bathroom, take your ass on, or eat your snacks. I don't have any snacks tonight. I got some water and some tea and um yeah, some water and some tea. That's all I have for tonight. I'm not I don't have any snacks in front of me. But you can snack. You can snack. Moving on, y'all. Let's talk about expectations. Expectations. It's the E to the B. Expectations. You know, having people um believe I was a pushover for the good portion of my life, playing a nice person, like I mentioned before, until like my inner and my inner emotional tank started to overflow. Man, I finally learned expectations are for you, not for the other person. And let me tell you how I learned that. It was not easy. It was not easy learning that you can't have you can have expectations of another person, but for what? Like, they don't care what expectations you have of them, and you shouldn't care what expectations they have of you. Unless, you know, you was a little kid and it's your parent, you know. You try to. After a while, not even them. Not even them. Expectations. I'm gonna tell you the story, but first I'm gonna come to you and I'm gonna read you, you know, Google's little definition of expectations. So, Google's definition of expectations. A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. I'm gonna read it again for the people in the back. Expectations, a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. Basically, bitch, you're not living in reality. Basically, it's good that you have expectations of other people if you want to, but you're taking up a lot of brain space, a lot of unnecessary brain space. Look, I remember, I remember congratulating someone and giving them like this high praise because they put something together for me. And I didn't have to do it because I'm always putting stuff together. You know, I I like building things with my hands, I'm an artist, you know, I'm an author. For those that know, you know, I mean, I've I do so many creative things with my hands. So when someone else wants to take on a project and do it for me, I am so grateful, man. Even if they screw it up, I'd be like, ah, you did that, thank you so much, and then I might fix it later. But I am this just say I was extremely ecstatic. And the person stopped, and they was like, don't congratulate me too much. I don't want you to have any expectations of me. I said, what the what the what? I use some other phrase words up in there too, but I was like, what does that even mean? Don't congratulate me too much. I don't want you to have any expectations of me. Damn! Like when I stopped and I really when I stop to think about what was being said to me, not just the person in front of me that was saying it, but what was being said to me, it really was a wake-up call. Someone just saying something out of the ordinary that just catches you off guard. Something like that, you gotta stop and analyze that. I sat with that phrase for days, probably weeks, thinking like, damn, that's a tough line to say to somebody. That's first you know, I went through, I was angry as hell. Like, I'm up here congratulating you, giving you praise, like doing something that I'm thinking is motivating you and healthy, and you turn to me and be like, don't congratulate me too much, too much? I don't want you to have any expectations in me. That's that's cold, y'all. That's real cold. Because that line right there made me stop and think of how many people, how many times do we just constantly put expectation, unexpected expectation onto a person, or without congratulating an individual on doing something, you know, can work the opposite for them. Meaning, I'm thinking they'd be like, oh, thank you. Yes, I appreciate it. Nah, don't congratulate me too much. I don't want you to have any expectations of me. That man, that put me into a whole frenzy of expectations don't belong with other individuals. Expectation belongs within yourself. How can I make that better? How can I change the way I congratulate and praise people to make people not feel like that?

SPEAKER_00 22:59

To make people not feel like I have an expectation of them.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

Well, I thought about it. Then I realized my boundaries. I'm not gonna sit here and be responsible. Responsible for the way somebody is taking some shit that I said. I just say congratulations. I don't have an expectation. But since you're bringing it up, that's gonna make me say I don't have expectations for another human being. I don't. Seven my kids. I got expectations of them little people. I got expectations, whether they're little or big, I have expectations for them. But not too many because they are their own person. But the expectations that I need to have going forward in life need to be expectations of myself or for myself. Not for my friends, not for my family, my loved ones, neighbors, anybody else out there in the world. And I need to keep realistic expectations. You need to write that down. Keep realistic expectations. The future is not guaranteed. It is okay to dream for the future, but you must remain and live in the present, not the past either. It's okay to visit, it's okay to make a plan, but understand making a plan, you plan to fail, but you plan to grow as well. You know what I'm saying? Everything has to have rules and structure.

SPEAKER_00 24:38

So keep realistic expectations. Now I don't know what that means for you, but I know what it means for me.

SPEAKER_01 24:50

I expect myself to get up and be productive at something at some point each day. I may not be able to do 10 to 15 things, but I could sure bang out a good five and make it a quality five. And sometimes I don't even want to bang out five. But if I do three things and I do them really well, really, really well, then I don't worry about it. But my expectation for myself is at least three. See, I wasn't gonna go for the big number because I've my days vary. My state of mind varies, my state of well-being, everything, it varies. So I'm gonna choose the lowest expectation and gradually increase once I become good at the three, at maintaining the three. Don't try to shoot for 15, don't try to shoot for 10, unless you have no one to impress. You only have yourself. That's it. Now you can impress yourself. When you impress yourself, is when you do 15 and you can stick to it and you ain't dropping the ball.

SPEAKER_00 25:57

But in the meantime, your expectation is three, it's realistic, it's small, it's not too overbearing.

SPEAKER_01 26:09

Now, limits putting limits on things. Now, let me tell you that. I have this expectation of myself, and if I'm not doing things and I keep promising myself I'm gonna do something, and it's keep like it keeps turning around that I'm not doing it, I will put myself in punishment. My kids think it's hilarious. I think everybody in my life thinks it's hilarious, but I do punish myself. Um, you know, maybe it's a movie I want to watch, maybe it's some scrolling I want to do, maybe it's a person I really want to talk to. Maybe I don't care what it is, whatever that moment is where I'm saying, I really want to go do that. I do not want to sit and do this. I punish myself. I'm like, I can't talk to that person, or I can't hang out, I can't go out for drinks, I can't go see my friends right now. I gotta do X, Y, and Z. And if I can get that done and it's done by a certain time, gotta put limits on it. Then I can go ahead and do that because I can go have fun, spend some time, you know, come back, go do something else, whatever. But you have to have limits. How do you know when it's time to punish yourself? How do you know when you know it's time to call it quits with trying to work things out? What are your expectations for yourself in every situation? Every situation. I know you can't think about all of them while you're sitting here, but try to think of some of them. And then the third thing that you do is relate them all to your boundaries, go back like building blocks, make it like building blocks, relate each one of these sections to one another, build on it. What is the ex what is what is my boundary for arguing? What is my expectation of um if the argument goes beyond what my boundary is? What's my expectation there? What's the limit?

SPEAKER_00 28:26

How many times is this gonna occur before I say enough is enough? Those are the things we gotta think about.

SPEAKER_01 28:36

Those are the things we need to start connecting in our lives. The last but not least, y'all, we are on disillusion. That's right, y'all. Disillusion. Now, disillusion, I'm gonna read the definition. You know it comes from Google, not my brain, just Google. Disillusion is a loss of belief, idealism, or romanticized notions about people, institutions, or life, often leading to disappointment or cynicism. It occurs when reality fails to meet expectations, causing emotional distress, frustration, and a need to restructure one's worldview. Y'all, I cannot make this up. I usually say that on my tarot channel, I cannot make this up, but I really can't. When I thought about bed, when I thought about bed this term, I came up, I was I was going through something, and I was like, I was going through a lot, but I was like, yo, I need some boundaries. Damn, that that saying about expectations came up again, and I'm just like, man, what happens when the world comes crashing down with these disillusions? I said, I'm gonna take these people to bed. I said, I'm gonna have to take them to bed. I'm gonna work through this, I'm gonna take them to bed, and here we are. Yo, it came up, and I I believe it came up because I was um uh listening to a lot of Jay Holiday, and um I'm gonna take you to bed, whatever that song is. I'm pretty sure that's it. But uh I was listening to that and I was just like, man, boundaries, expectations, expectations, and disillusions, baby. That's what it is. So that's why we're starting this show off. I know happy spring, by the way. It's cold here in Jersey, but happy spring. Let's get into this disillusioned part. Now, I think for me, uh romanticizing individuals and situations, you know, trying to, you know, see so much potential. I was talking about that with a friend. I see so much potential. I don't do that no more. I don't see, you know, like in people, like always giving people that the extra benefits of the doubt, seeing potential. Man, excuse my language, this is a very harsh word. My mother, may she rest in peace, keep turning over right now, but she ain't like this word, but fuck them freaking people, man.

SPEAKER_00 31:33

Listen people always always wanna kick your back in. And you don't want to believe that.

SPEAKER_01 31:54

You wanna believe people have good potential, they mean well, man. Listen, um, I want to be positive, and I gotta be positive and real. You give people the benefit of the doubt, you know, fit of the doubt. Um they have a edible earlier, so but anywho, you do give people the benefit of the doubt, and try to work through things with them, especially if you know it's something new or even if it's a job, you know. I'm like, ah, maybe let's say work out the kings. My firm belief is after 90 days, 90 days, you're gonna know. And if you keep pretending that you don't know, you lying to yourself, okay? That's when you run into the the problem of a disillusion. You know, when you finally well no, that's when you decide if you want to be in a disillusioned state or they're still staying out that uh rose-colored glass state, you know, or you want to see, you want to bullshit, see things as, oh, this person is wonderful, or or the situation is just fine. I see the building is burning, but I'm gonna stay in here because I believe, I believe, even though I heard the third floor collapse and I'm on the second, I believe the third floor is gonna hold out. Listen, I'm running. I'm getting out the building. I'm gonna get out the building because I've learned when you finally decide to wake up from the disillusion, you know what I'm saying, or to let reality slap you in your face.

SPEAKER_00 34:01

It's gonna happen at some point.

SPEAKER_01 34:03

You can't, you know, you decide is it gonna be sooner or later? You're gonna confront it now or you gonna let it still build up, you know, like hedges, and you gotta hedges that done grew up to eight feet, and you know good and well they were supposed to stay at four because the home association people about to find you.

SPEAKER_00 34:27

What are you gonna do when I wanna say reality breaks? What are you gonna do when the people don't meet your expectations? How you won't handle it?

SPEAKER_01 34:44

Well, I'm gonna tell you, figure out how do you recover once the blinders come off. What do you what do you do for yourself? How do you restore the time, the effort that you lost? Maybe it's not 90 days for you, maybe it's six months for you, maybe it's two years for you, maybe it's ten years for you before your blinders fall off.

SPEAKER_00 35:13

Regardless of how long it's been, the wounds are still deep. Some get deeper, but yeah, they deep. How do you fix that? How do you recover? How do you heal yourself?

SPEAKER_01 35:30

See, because people continuously disappoint people, and I like to be optimistic, but I'd also like to be a little pessimistic too because well, and I'm a Gemini and I like the way both sides are going. I'm a little wacky. However, there's no good without bad. All the times can't be great. There are gonna be some bad times.

SPEAKER_00 35:53

So, how do you recover? I can't give you tips on that. You have to find out how you recover. How do you make yourself whole again? And in that process, how do you deal with your emotions?

SPEAKER_01 36:16

Because there's gonna be a variety of emotions. And I tend to believe that when disappointment comes and because the glasses have fallen off, you know, we go through our grief, grieving stages. Everything's like grieving stages because it's so emotional. And sometimes, whatever the situation is, it can it can dig deep down within you, and it doesn't matter how short term the situation is or how long term the situation is or was some wounds, even if it's short term, they go deeper than deep. They read all the way from the your cranium down to your big toe. And you want to pull that shit up out of root, but it hurt because it went so deep, it hurt. How do you recover? How do you take that time out to heal your heart to level out and or balance out the scales of life for yourself? How do you do that? That's the part you gotta figure out. Spa day sounds great. Hot yoga too.

SPEAKER_00 37:28

Maybe you go to the gym, maybe you go for a hike. Maybe you go eat a bucket of ice cream.

SPEAKER_01 37:39

You bet not eat no bucket of ice cream. We're gonna be having a different conversation. But maybe you go ride a bike. Everything sounds like exercise. Hold on. Maybe you go to the movies, maybe you watch your favorite movie, maybe you sit and just cry. However, you get it out is how you get it out. But you have to come up with how do I recover once the blinders come off. Next is develop questions while in a healthy mind state, like mindful state, gather questions that you can use like as a checkpoint system. You know, it'll help you settle out, settle out mixed emotions that you could be experiencing, that you will be experiencing at that time. Write down a few questions like how do I come back to myself and answer the questions. Don't just oh, don't just be writing down these questions, answer the digital questions. Because this is your checkpoint system. You know, if you go get your car service, right? After you come out, you might got a $1,200 bill doing work or they want to change your oil, rotate your tires, do all these things, right? And they go into their checkpoint system to make sure everything is put back in your car that they've taken out and they've done all the steps correctly, right? Well, your car. Pick your favorite car, pick your favorite truck. I don't care. Pick it. Just like you gotta go take care of that, put gas in it, make sure oil's in it, at least get it a tune up, rotate the tires, like you know, make sure it's clean. As you take care of your car, you got all these checkpoints for your car. You need to have them for yourself. How's your mental? How's your spiritual? You know, how's your physical? How's your emotional? How are you? You gotta figure that shit out before you need to figure that shit out now. You might need to skip all the way to D because it's a lot of disillusions that you have come across, and you don't even know it. But from nine to five, somewhere in there, you probably discovered three different disillusions. Three of them. From nine to five. And it doesn't matter if it's political, it's financial, is you know, relationship, situationship, friendship, the dog chip, the cat chip, it don't even matter. You have discovered three at some point. Three. So you need to really figure out, you know, how are you gonna handle yourself? How do you normally handle yourself? Does that shit even work? Maybe you need to switch some shit up. Who knows? But with all of that, find out what's your limit. When do you decide to take the damn rose-colored glasses off and stand in disillusioned and you know, rip that band-aid off and see shit for what it is? When do you decide? Because it's all about you. All the shit I ever talk about really ends up being about you, which is me, I self. You can't go around romanticizing situations and individuals. You can't do it.

SPEAKER_00 41:43

I can give you so many examples of disillusion, but hi.

SPEAKER_01 41:49

I I don't need to. I really don't need to. Look at the friend that portrayed you. Look at the relationship that ended. Look at look at all so many different things. Look at the the car salesman, look at the bill collector, you know. Oh, come and get this great deal, and you can get it now for free, but you're gonna pay a thousand dollars for shipping. Shit like that. Look at that. There's so many examples out there, guys. You don't need me to give you any more. But what I will say is I will say thank you. I'm tired of talking. I got distracted a couple times. ADHD is real. Love on your people who got a lot going on, and I thank you all for joining me. It is our first episode that I kept you a little longer than I thought, but you know how we do. Shit, you can listen to it again. You can pause it, you could you can listen to it three or four more times, and I applaud you to because at some point you might have been laughing, at another point you might have just missed something because you got ADHD too. Who knows? Who cares? Listen, I love you guys, and with that being said, I will see you again next week with another update on how you can live a better life. You can try it my way or figure this shit out yourself. That's all I got for you guys. So I love you. Be safe till next time.